Roadworks

I seem to have run out of steam. Last month I was ready and raring to go. After some discussion and consultation with friends, I had selected the donor and was ready to ‘procure’ the ampoule (ie. vial), take the necessary drugs and see what happened.

By no means was I feeling confident. I wasn’t expecting that ‘anything’ would have the first time. Or maybe even the second or third, or …….

But I was ready. I had stopped drinking alcohol and started my pregnancy multi-vitamins. I was forcing down vegetables and yoghurt, thinking for once, of someone other than myself and my own gratification when it came to food.

I had been on my ‘shake’ diet for over a month – with some results according to colleagues who noticed the difference. I was waning though. My parents had visited (always a chance to run amok), but I had the motivation to get back on track and to continue. I had already decided I try to lose weight over coming months – in the event I did become pregnant.

I have been very conscious that I am 41 years old. And overweight. Perhaps very much so. If I have a child, I will need to be fitter and healthier. Surely this was now enough motivation to continue.

Then I had a follow up appointment with my doctor. I have been on thyroid medication for years, and my last check was 12 months prior. I gather that the thyroid functioning can have some big (and bad) impacts on your pregnancy and a child. So, I went back for the results of my test (as well as my vitamin D and rubella levels).

My GP was interested to hear how things were going and happy and chatty as usual (which is possibly why she is always late and why I am charged for a ‘long’ visit each time I see her). I told her that I was about to start the fertility drugs and would be attempting to get pregnant ‘this’ cycle.

We agreed to change my thyroid medication. Then, the crunch – she wanted to take my blood pressure again. After the dismal reading the previous visit, I knew little would have changed. Again, after 6 reads we still didn’t get it to under 148/100. This was not good she said. So, she gave me a prescription for medication. And, she said she wanted me to see an obstetric physician. This person, she said, would look after me. Something which isn’t really the focus of the actual obstetrician.

I suspect this is all semantics and my GP wants to cover her butt. But, she said that she once had a woman who lost a baby at 36 weeks for no reason other than that the mother’s blood pressure became too high.

She said that, given I am paying so much money (and am not a spring chicken), we need to maximize my chances. I acknowledge this, but …..

So, I left with my prescriptions and referral. I wondered about the referral. What it would achieve. I also made an appointment to go back to get my blood pressure checked.

The next day, I called the obstetrician to advise that I wouldn’t be visiting them this month. The nurse reminded me that next month is Easter and so blood bank closures may mean it isn’t possible then either.

It feels worse than that though. I feels as if everything has lost momentum. I no longer think that this is actually happening (despite the fact I have paid for the donor sperm which is sitting somewhere waiting for me). The diet has gone out of the window, along with any sense of caring about my body.

It shouldn’t be this way. I should continue to be on the verge of the biggest thing that has ever happened in my life. But, instead I am despondent and uncertain. Not of my decision, that is one thing that I am sure about. That I want to have a child. I want to be a mother. That dream, however, just seems further and further out of my reach.